Who do you love: are you sure?
AJ Costa
Issue date: 11/6/08 Section: Opinion
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Settling. No, grown-ups; not like the foundation settling, I am speaking more on the existential end of the issue. The theory of why we as humans allow ourselves to endure a life, or season of our life with someone that is below our standards and expectations. I have a few reasons as to why I believe that we allow ourselves to stay in these situations.
Initially, I believe we settle because we feel we are unworthy and lack confidence for our own personal reasons. Some people may think that the person they are with is good enough for them or that they believe the issues that person has are fixable and that they will eventually change.
As a part time pessimist, I have to disagree. People change on occasion. However, people rarely change when it comes to the big-ticket items. And from my experience, it's the big-ticket items that cause problems within relationships. The little things build foundations for the big things to work on center stage, but when people disagree on major issues and stay in the relationship, I think this is detrimental.
Pre-relationship issues, stay relationship issues afterward, and rarely tip to either side unless someone concedes and then the settling factor plays its role. In addition to a feeling of unworthiness, I theorize that people settle because they do not think there is better in the world for them. People will stay in relationships, sexual situations and pseudo-relationships where they are the side person and the go-to person sometimes, so that they feel a sense of security or feel appreciated in those situations. However, these situations are maintained under false pretenses.
When you allow someone intimate time where emotions become involved, you get blinded by differing factors that dupe you into thinking the situation is valid and worth your time. These types of relationships lead to bad situations and when emotions get involved things simply go downhill.
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